THIS IS THE STORY OF MY GAY, GAY LIFE

I experienced culture shock from the province to city life.  The environment was quite different and the people's lifestyle too.  I continued to hide myself, the real me but it was so obvious.  I was bullied in school- mostly my boy classmates and even my freshman adviser.  I don't want to go into details.  For 4 years in high school, I never enter the male restroom.

I was more close with girls until college.  When I thought about it, friends, that's what girls were to me really.  They were caring and nurturing- qualities I wanted to develop in myself.  I used to like girls who fit the mother image.  They've since become like sisters to me.

I graduated in college and got my first job for only 22 days.  Then, I transferred in another company permanently and that's my job until now. That's the time also I accepted what I am and admitted it before Rustom Padilla and Ricky Martin did.  I explored the gay world and the "No Matter What" of Boyzone is ever my favorite song. I was just continuing to be myself.  I didn't start yo dress differently or make an effort to flaunt my new-found self.  being gay wasn't a role I had to take on, so why should i change costumes or put on a show?  Salamat na alng hindi ako natuluyan to be a parlor gay.  But even, still I can't judge those who are.  They're still gays, like me, and they're just as human as you and me.  it's not their obligation to change who they are.  It's society's obligation to change the way we view them.  Somehow, open-minded na ang mga tao ngayon.  Somehow, they accepted, appreciate and even admired gays at last.

Back then, I went home proud being who I am.  There was no big dramatic scene with my family wherein I sat them all down for my big confession.  I didn't feel the need to tell them I was gay  after all.  I didn't need to hear them say they accepted me.  Do i need them to tell me, they're straight?  of course not.  Being straight or gay doesn't define you as a person.  it's not what you are, it's what you do.  I didn't change or did anything bad in their eyes, so the way they treated me didn't change either.  I saw more respect and feel the understanding instead.  May power na kasi ako.  May pinatunayan...  But mom always reminds me, "Huwag ka palagi makipag-close sa bakla."  Ang biro ko namang sagot, "Eh, bakla ako."  pero when it comes to my brothers, tahimik lang ako.  Ayoko ko humantong sa away at mabugbog ako at masabunutan ko sila.  Joke lang.  May isang tao nga biniro ako, "Kukuha tayo ng pokpok para makatikim ka naman."Ang sagot ko naman,"Natikman ko na pareho.  Kaw ba nakatikim na ng lalaki?"  That's so gay or bakla!  In a perfect world, it would be a compliment, not a put down.  We would be considered normal.  Right now, we've conditioned ourselves to be proud of our difference, to think of it as being special.

I used to think homosexuality developed because of one's environment and one's influences while growing up, but now I believe people are born homosexual.  But if I were born again, I don't want to be a gay nor my son.  It's not that I hate myself gay and I hate gay people but I don't want to experience again and my so will struggle the same way i experienced.  it's happy to be gay but it's more happy to have a normal feeling.


P.S.  I came out in a reality being gay because I realized it's hard to fool other people, to fool girls and most of all, to fool myself.  As a compliment, hindi nga normal pero masaya keysa you are pretending the rest of your life.

THE SEXUAL SIGNS

Looking myself in front of the mirror, I've noticed some big changes.  I'm getting fat, wrinkles developed, countless grey hair- the sign of aging.

Looking back 27 years ago (I am 34 years old now), facing the mirror wearing a big bra, duster and 2 inch high heeled shoes- the signs of being a gay.  I was left alone at home that time.  All of the sudden, my brother arrived and he caught me in that embarrassing situation.  For the men in the family-my father and brothers, gay is not acceptable.  It was my mom who always known I was gay because we were together most of the times.

Born in the 70's and grew up in the 80's, gay was really a big deal.  It was shameful on the part of the family  members.  They were very conservative.  There was the added trauma of dealing with a judging society.  people who knew me insisted I had been in the closet because they always had suspected I was gay, as if i had simply been pretending not to be gay.  That was harsh.  I hid myself inside the room when we had visitors at home.  Judgmental people were practically calling me a liar to myself, and the worst kind, too, because I had been lying about who I was.  There was a time I even asked myself, "Is homosexuality a problem that needs to be solved, or a deadly illness that urgently needs to be cured?"

I went to the city after my Elementary graduation and pursued my studies in a private school.   I still brought the heavy luggage inside me.


to be continued....

MEET MY FAMILY

I am the youngest in the brood of eight.  I was born and grew up in the hamlet.  I was so close to nature.  I walked 5 kilometers from home to school and vice versa for six years.  I had an ordinary childhood but I am happy about it that every time I reminisce those times, it makes me smile.  My mom taught me to be contented and appreciate the things I have.  My father taught me to be friendly and thoughtful.  My parents raised me well.  No scolding even just a single pinch.

meet my family

UP NEXT:  THE HIGHLIGHTS IN MY LIFE

1.  When did I discover I am gay?

2.  Being a bullied high school boy

3.  My 3 relationships

13TH OF MARCH

On March 13, 1781, William Herschel discovered URANUS.  In France, the length of the workday for women and children was limited by law to 11 hours effective on March 13, 1900.  After 30 years, the news of the discovery of  Pluto was telegraphed to the Harvard College Observatory.  There was World War II in 1943, and exactly on March 13 of the same year, Japanese troops ended their assault on American forces at Hill 700 in Bougainville.  On March 13, 1969, Apollo 9 returned safely to earth after testing the Lunar Module.  After seven years, 3 American men who become popular were born.  James Dewees, a musician; Troy Hudson, a basketball player; and Danny Masterson, an actor.  On the other part of the globe, a simple guy was born at the same time.He was named REDLAN, the owner of this website.